In the UK today, there are 70,000 children and young people living in public care, with over 54,000 living with foster families. Some of these placements are for a short term, until a particular situation in their primary family is resolved. Others can be for an extended length of time, as they wait to be adopted, or reach an age to live independently.

This is a very transitional time. One that can be characterised as chaotic, uncertain, emotionally trying… and yet can be the most settled, and ‘fruitful’ time for a foster child. The child could be said to be on a journey ‘from here to there’, and I propose, the foster placement could be seen as ‘The Land Between’.

Much emphasis is rightly put on the impact this, significant and potentially pivotal time, has on the foster child. But what about the foster parents? And, their birth children?

How does one create stability in a foster placement that is intended to be temporary? How easy is it to balance loving and giving, without becoming too attached? How do you walk alongside the foster children in the highs and lows, sometimes having to carry them through, without expending yourself to the point of empty? How do you top-up your resolve again and again, as you start the process over with another child? And, how do birth children manage these changes?

A foster carer gives this insight:

“They [potential foster carer] shouldn’t think they’re going to be at home all day, playing with the children,” she says. In reality, there is a lot of paperwork, a lot of scrutiny from social workers, and a powerful sense of loss when the children move on.

“When they move on for adoption, it’s like somebody dying. It is a very intense process. That’s the time when I ask myself why I am doing this. The next time you meet them, a few months later, they don’t recognise you,” Karen, 43, (former teaching assistant) specialises in fostering babies from birth¹.

When living in this tension, there are unlikely to be straight-forward answers and, the reality is, that for each placement, something completely different is required.  Though, there will be some foundational things that remain constant.

So, can ‘The Land Between’ be made easier?

We’ll touch briefly on two points: 1) Recognising it’s a time of Transition, and 2) Support from Other Foster Carers

Recognising it is a time of Transition

David Pollock, a sociologist, identified five stages of transition.

1. Involvement
2. Leaving,
3. Transition,
4. Entering,
5. Re-involvement.

It could also be put another way:

1. The Belonging stage,
2. The Leaving stage,
3. The Change or chaos stage,
4. The Entering stage and
5. Back to the Belonging stage again.

It would not be surprising if you found these stages familiar, as we all experience transition at some stage. And, to an extent life could be described as an ongoing transition. We’re all transitioning through life, navigating the ‘highs & lows’ and ‘twists & turns’, yet often expectant, or hopeful for something more.

In times of very distinct change, such as experienced in a foster placement by the foster child/ carers, and birth children, it is important to note that in some placements, the time of transition may be quick, whilst others may go through each of the stages in turn, and may repeat, fluctuate or even become stuck between the stages.

Knowing, or being reminded of this may just ‘take the edge off’ some of the strain that may accompany a foster placement, and possibly provide insight to help navigate everyone through.

Support from Other Foster Carers

“Support from other foster carers is paramount. “Because you work on your own from home, foster care can be very isolating,” admits John. Fortunately, their link worker runs a support group where foster carers meet once a month to discuss what is happening in their lives and issues they may have with children. “There are some situations that only other foster carers can understand,” explains John. “They can give advice, ‘I’ve had that happening to me and I’ve done so-and-so and it worked’, which is really useful.”” John, foster carer with his wife Stephanie for 28 years²

‘The Land Between’ brings to mind the concept of ‘The Promised Land’, one which may seem like a fairytale or cliché to some, yet may have some useful parallels. E.g. A people who managed to leave a difficult situation, for a journey full of change and chaos. After a long time they managed to enter a new place (the Promised Land), and become settled, and go on to thrive.

Every child you foster will be leaving a difficult situation, journeying with you and your family, for a period of time, before hopefully returning to a better situation or going on to a new one. ‘The Land Between’ is a vital part of moving towards this outcome, for all involved; the foster child, parents and birth children.

I trust it is one that you journey well in.

Janice Whyne – October 2010

You can probably imagine my internal despondency at the thought of the wait that was ahead of me. In fact, I think the process towards that feeling actually started the moment I entered the tiny side space that has been given over to it, and saw the number of other internally despondent people who were sitting down. – Would this shared communal feeling be enough to call us a community?

I’d come armed with a book, but was regularly drawn away from it by the actions, and my interest in, the rest of the community. There were those who came, and  at the sight of us left, those who came with a friend, the guy whose just come in handcuffed, (11.25am) with 2 prison guards – that’s caused quite a stir -  I think we all did the look up, stare, then quickly look away thing (surreptitiously glancing back now and then). It would be interesting to know how many of us are wondering what he’s done.

Then there is the older couple who are calculating how long it’s taking to see people once they go in. They reckon it’s 5-10mins a person, based on the amount of people that had been seen in the time it took for the wife to go and come back with 2 small cups of Costa coffee. They may have been right earlier on, but it seems to be speeding up now.

There’s a few readers of the Metro, have seen a few random headlines:

‘Student vet facing £95, ooo fees for degree’, ‘Dolphin Clicks help me ‘see’ says blind Jamie’, ‘Bank boss victim of card fraud’, ’25% off clothing at Tesco’

People of all ages – though mostly the older end of the spectrum – every hue, and all waiting… I am now getting bored (11.33) We’re on no. 40, just 14 more to go. (I hope that couples calculation isn’t right, as if it is, that means a potential 140mins, and I haven’t eaten yet as I had to fast from last night!)

11.36 – Umm! The officer has just taken the prisoner in, I guess he’s getting seen ahead of his ticket. Don’t think anyone is impressed, I mean we’ve all been waiting ages, but maybe we’re all  kinda relieved? As would we be a bit uneasy about him being next to us when we went in, or a about having a handcuffed person around us period? Ummm, what does that say about us? And they’re off! 11.39 (well at least it only took 3 mins, maybe I’ll be seen quicker than the couple’s calculation would have predicted).

We’ve hit comical point. The older couple, the elderly lady I’m sat next to, and myself just had a chuckle at the faces of some people taking tickets, as the realisation dawns of just how long they will have to wait.

It is really quite funny, and as one of them said, it would be funny to have a candid camera (11.48am no. 43! Argh!)

I wonder if they ever have mystery shoppers in this place? – I have hit that point of random hysteria, streams of drivel are prone to now flow to erratically from my thoughts unto teh page.

The older couple are chatting unhappily over how much their parking is going to be – do you think hospitals should validate parking for those who have to come for medical reasons, maybe if you’ve had to hang about for over an hour it should be free? Or maybe based on my length of wait today, your 1st 3 hours should be free. (I don’t have a car, but just saying)

Umm, no. 46 (11.55am)

I am now tapping the page in boredom, and probably frustrated, though think I’m possibly too bored to be frustrated. I’m also ‘intrigued’ by the fact that one of us has started doing some drone like humming, repeatedly!

The pretty lady is leaning against the work of art that I guess is supposed to bring a touch of beauty to the drab surroundings. Argh!!!!

Latest glimpsed headline: “Cheryl loves herself…” – Under Guilty Pleasures in the Metro

Midday – my phone is reminding me of the fact that by now I was supposed to have done a number of things. My attempt to be organised. I had a ‘To Do’ list, I don’t do those, but I tried. Needless to say there are some things I haven’t been able to do yet!

12.01, no.47 – One of us is doing a crossroad, one is reading ‘Angels in my Hair’ (she has no. 97 – Oh dear!).

Umm, I’m going to try reading my book again: “There sending someone for their break now!” = response to “Rav, go for your break now”. OK, I’ve hit frustration point now! 12.05, no. 47.

‘Angels in my Hair’ lady has decided to go. – Lightweight.

“No wonder the country’s in such a state”. The opening comment of an annoyed elderly newcomer who has been sent to 2 different places already, and they have both been wrong. Jimmy, the old Irish gentleman with her, is very annoyed, and you can see he is fit to burst. 12.16 (no. 49).

Annoyed newcomer, and Irish fella have decided to go.

Another newcomer has just pulled ticket no. 5 (when the machine gets to 99, it goes back to the beginning).

Headlines: “faithless ready to Rock Roundhouse – itunes festival” – Metro “Cheryl…behind the mask. “I’m ‘Skanky’ she says” – Daily Mirror. 12.23 (still no. 49!)

An annoying lady is holding up the process. – No you haven’t missed your turn, we haven’t got to 92 yet! Yep, there are over 40 people in front of you.

Apparently they’re getting dome more people in there (I wonder how many are actually in there taking blood). 12.32, No. 53 – there was actually an audible cheer, Lol :-0

12.35, “Number 54″ – It’s me!

12.37pm – I’m out! 2 mins for 2 hours, umm – can I just say, 3 people in the room.

Where is your Future? Here in your Present, grab it!…

- J Whyne (Dec 5th 2009)

Something to think about…

I think it was prompted by a talk I was preparing in which I referenced Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Need’ (Abraham Maslow)*

This theory of motivation, provides a mechanism for looking at human self/personal development and basically suggests that there are certain needs that all humans have, and that the higher ones are only met once the lower ones are.

I think my mind was particularly interested by the 4th level ‘Esteem Needs’, and what it might mean if those needs were unmet. Would this lead to your personal development being stunted, put on hold, arrested?

As I began by saying, I’m stewing on: Arrested Development…

*First published in 1943, and one of the most popular and often cited theories of human motivation.

The actual line was: “Janice, you are a work in progress”. Even just thinking about it now, makes me stop pause, accompanied by a contented sigh. You see it was such a relief to have those words so lovingly, and without judgement or consternation said. An affirming tone accompanied them, which made me hope for change.

Why have these words come to mind now? Because I read a similar sentiment  in a book I’m currently reading about leadership.

I believe the words: “work in progress” have much to say to those of the creative persuasion – whether related to the person, or the creations of the person.

Be encouraged!

She offered no middle ground, I was either ‘too serious’ or ‘dull’, or is that just how I heard and received it?

Ummm is the fact that it irked me a sign of me smarting at the existence of some truth? Ummm…

The speaker commented on how in his line of work, it was his responsibility to present people with a different perspective, giving them hope that things can be different to what they are or are presenting themselves to be.

Writers have that same ability.

Whatever your genre of writing, a part of your business is perspectives. – Presenting yours, the prevailing culture, world view etc

When you think about it, this can be a very powerful tool to wield, a skill to master, and a responsibility to not take lightly.

Hopefully we all have at least one friend who we value and knows values us. The kind of friend that you know you can rely on.

I am blessed to have friends like these, and this week, I had reason to value them even more.

I was out of town when I heard my Dad had a mini-scare which led to an overnight stay courtesy of the NHS.

The following morning he was given the all clear, and some advice on avoiding a return visit.

Even knowing that things turned out ok, I wanted to be home with my family, especially my Mum.

It brought tears to my eyes, when a friend called and said: “I’ve just been speaking to your Mum”. She had also offered to cook food, take her shopping, basically be there.

A friend I was due to go away with for the weekend, pre-empted my thoughts about whether to cancel, by telling me to do whatever I felt in my heart, and then checking with the hotel what would happen if we decided not to go. – The hotel let us off the cancellation charge.

This stuff totally warmed my heart, and brought a sense of ease to my unease.

I got home 2 days letter – my Mum tried to tell me off for shortening my trip, then said she was glad I was here

“I am the change I want to see” I mused on the words, and my first thoughts were, of the agreeing variety. I then went onto wonder what the connotations to this concept were… So I decided to do a google search on them, though I realise now I actually searched for: “I am the change I want to be”. – Maybe this was subconcious…

Anyway, only 3 results came up and they brought me to a video: Be The Change That You Want To See.

It interested me, so thought I’d share it with you. Let me know what you think of the idea of being the change you want to see or be.

Be The Change That You Want To See